Author: Jackie King

When my mom died a few years ago, my siblings and I were discussing the many ways life would be different without her.  “No more presents,” my brother noted.

My mother was passionate about gifts.  As an adult, I often urged her to stop giving presents and spend the money on herself, but she refused.  She liked giving gifts too much.

Gift giving has long been a favorite subject for studies on human behavior, with psychologists, anthropologists, economists and marketers all weighing in.  They have found that giving gifts is a surprisingly complex and important part of human interaction, helping to define relationships and strengthen bonds with family and friends.  Indeed, psychologists say it is often the giver, rather than the recipient, who reaps the biggest psychological gains from a gift.  Frustrated by crowds, traffic and commercialism, people can be tempted at this time of year to opt out of gift giving altogether.  A 2005 survey showed that four out of five Americans think the holidays are too materialistic, according to the Center for a New American Dream, which promotes responsible consumption.

But while it’s reasonable to cut back on spending during the holidays, psychologists say that banning the gift exchange with loved ones is not the best solution.  People who refuse to accept or exchange gifts during the holidays, these experts say, may be missing out on an important connection with family and friends.

“That doesn’t do a service to the relationship,” said Ellen J. Langer, a Harvard psychology professor.  “If I don’t let you give me a gift, then I’m not encouraging you to think about me and think about things I like.  I am preventing you from experiencing the joy of engaging in all those activities.  You do people a disservice by not giving them the gift of giving.”

The social value of giving has been recognized throughout human history.  For thousands of years, some native cultures have engaged in potlatch, a complex ceremony that celebrates extreme giving.  Although cultural interpretations vary, often the status of a given family in a clan or village was dictated not by who had the most possessions, but instead by who gave away the most.  The more lavish and bankrupting the potlatch, the more prestige gained by the host family.

Some researchers believe evolutionary forces may have favored gift giving.  Men who were the most generous may have had the most reproductive success with women.  (Notable, the use of food in exchange for sexual access and grooming has been documented in our closest ape relative, the chimpanzee.)  Women who were skilled at giving – be it extra food or a well-fitted pelt – helped sustain the family provider as well as her children.

Margaret Rucker, a consumer psychologist at the University of California, Davis says men are typically more price-conscious and practical when it comes to the gifts they give and get, while women tend to be more concerned about giving and receiving gifts with emotional significance.

Dr. Rucker says she often recounts the story of a man who climbed a tree to retrieve a robin’s egg that matched his girlfriend’s blue eyes.  “Women say, ‘Oh, how romantic,” she said.  “But men say, ‘That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of, and also what about the mama bird?”

Gender differences in gift giving seem to emerge early in life.  Researchers at Loyola University Chicago studied 3- and 4-year-olds at a day-care center, all of whom had attended the same birthday party.  The girls typically went shopping with their mothers and helped select and wrap the gift.  Boys, meanwhile, were often unaware of what the gift was.  “They’d say, ‘I took a nap while my mom went shopping for it,” said Mary Ann McGrath, the associate dean of the graduate school of business at Loyola.

Gift giving is often the most obvious way a partner can show interest, strengthen a bond or even signal that a relationship should end.  One colleague of Dr. Rucker’s noted that she knew her marriage was over when her husband handed her a gift in a brown grocery bag.

People who stop giving gifts lose out on important social cues, researchers say.  “Who is on your gift list is telling you who is important in your life,” Dr. McGrath said.  “It says who is more important and who is less important.”

     But the biggest effect of gift giving may be on ourselves.  Giving to others reinforces our feelings for them and makes us feel effective and caring, Dr. Langer said.

For a glimpse into the psychology of giving, researchers at Virginia Commonwealth University recently studied gift giving by pet owners, finding that it stemmed from a desire to make pets happy and offer gifts that would improve a pet’s comfort and care.

“When you’re giving to another person, you have this pressure of reciprocity, but it’s not there with a pet,” said Tracy Ryan, an associate professor of advertising research at Virginia Commonwealth.  “It shows that a lot of the pleasure is in the giving, knowing you’ve taken care of someone.”  Article written by Tara Parker-Pope and published in The New York Times Dec. 11, 2007

Does what we think and feel really influence our well-being?  The overwhelming evidence from the new field of positive psychology says a resounding yes.  A positive outlook on life has been shown to help you live longer and provide a type of inoculation to the immune system.  Those with positive outlooks manage better, and temperament determines our capacity for coping with stress and life challenges:  A positive attitude gives us fortitude.

Since its beginning, psychology has studied the causes of depression and anxiety and the effectiveness of various treatments.  In recent years the topic of research has shifted to improve not only the negative impact of these symptoms but also to increase positive emotions and well-being.  The reason for this shift comes from a sobering fact:  Not being depressed isn’t the same as being happy.

     One of the most convincing studies to date, ‘The Nun Study’, looked at the impact of positive emotions and attitude on longevity and well-being.  In 2001, researchers from the University of Kentucky sampled the sisters because they have regularized diets, live together, have no children, and do not smoke or drink to excess.  In other words, their physical backgrounds and conditions are controlled by life circumstances – making them perfect subjects for a study.  Since the nuns’ living conditions, histories and environmental factors were “controlled” by their life choice, the impact of their emotional disposition would help determine their longevity.  The dramatic findings show that attitude can profoundly influence not only the quality but also the length of our lives.

The investigation shows there is a direct relationship between being positive and longevity.  The analysis took place nearly 60 years later, when the nuns were between 75 and 94 years old.  What the researchers found about how positive feelings affect longevity was nothing short of astonishing.  At age 85, 90% of the most cheerful quartile were still alive, while only 34% of the bottom quartile survived.  At age 94, the numbers were even more affected with 54% of the top quartile still alive – compared to 11% of their less optimistic counterparts.

Yet, the study wasn’t just about happiness.  It was about the effect these positive life approaches might have on the devastating effects of dementia and Alzheimer’s disease.  Follow up research has revealed the sisters with a more positive outlook have less disease and lower mortality rates – and a natural immunization against the ravages of Alzheimer’s disease.

Can we change the way we feel?

But what if we aren’t born to be happy?  What if our natural disposition isn’t so sunny?  Can we change who we are emotionally?  Again, the answer is a resounding yes, and the methods for doing so are surprisingly simple.

Experts explain that negative emotions tend to be stronger than positive emotions.  This is often referred to as a “negativity bias” in our thinking, and there is good reason for it.  They point to thousands of years ago when we did not trust people outside our tribe and worried about what foods and animals were safe.  Negative thoughts were necessary to survive – and positive ones had less value.

Intentional activities – measures we deliberately engage in to bring joy into our lives – are what make the difference.  Perhaps one of the best categories of these intentional activities to try comes from a familiar phrase: “Count Your Blessings”.

Acknowledging our gratitude has long been a staple of transforming negativity.  Many studies have been done on gratitude.  Here is a down-to-earth way that has been shown to increase well-being while keeping negative feelings at bay.

The gratitude review involves taking a few moments to look at the last 24 hours through the lens of gratitude.  It has the powerful ability to reframe our memory be highlighting specific things that we are thankful for.  It tends to work better if specific events are identified – so make a list and aim for a minimum of three – with no upper limit.  Making this gratitude list on a regular basis has been shown by research to do a few very effective things for our emotional well- being.

First, it changes how we felt about the previous day.  It will make a good day feel even better and reconstructs our memory toward greater positivity of a not-so-terrific day.  Secondly, it makes people feel better, more appreciative in the moment.  Finally, research shows that this one exercise can create a feeling of optimism for up to two weeks.

This intentional activity, which takes about the same amount of time it takes to brush your teeth, has at least the equivalent benefits of our emotional well-being as brushing does for our dental health.  In fact, once you get used to the idea of it regularly, you can review your gratitudes while your brush your teeth – and allow that smile to come from the inside as well.